As it says within the Bible, “I want to be the very best, like no one ever was.” Could there be a more true passage? I don’t know; I didn’t look. But when you’re right here studying this website of tips, tricks, and reviews, you’ve most likely felt the urge in your soul to turn into a champion. There could also be billions of people taking part in video video games world wide, however haven’t you ever questioned what it will be like if you – yes, you! – have been the very best at a game? I’m not speaking about getting a high rating at a laundromat that resets its Ms. Pac-Man machine each evening.
I’m speaking about being the very best in your entire world. The best gamer on all of Super Earth. When different gamers get cute and suppose they’re placing up numbers, they see your rating and weep figuring out they’ll by no means overcome your spot on the leaderboard. That’s the candy stuff, child. Put it straight into my veins. Being so good at a video game that it breaks one thing in a complete stranger. You need to lock down your house in high rating historical past so onerous that it makes different people really feel unhealthy. The by no means ending quest to beat your weaknesses and to show the world that you’ve precise worth as a human being whereas everybody else is nugatory.
This is a story about a woman named Lucky a man who wished to turn into the best gamer in your entire world. Reader, that man is me. And reader, I virtually did it. For actual. There have been moments I may style it. I used to be this close to changing into the best participant who ever lived.
At Charlie Brown Christmas Pinball.
Oh, I didn’t count on to tackle this burden. It wasn’t intentional. I merely like Pinball FX. If you’re not conversant in Pinball FX or don’t perceive how to choose up context clues, Pinball FX is a game/app that lets you play – anticipate it – pinball. Some primarily based on bodily tables, some purely digital. Just a few are free to play. For the remainder, you possibly can subscribe to a service or purchase them individually. And, whereas in a situation greatest described as “less than sober,” I purchased a lot of pinball tables. Lots of these have been classics like Star Trek: The Next Generation. And, as a result of I get pleasure from Christmas, I additionally purchased Charlie Brown Christmas Pinball. The truth these purchases have been made two months after Christmas doesn’t and mustn’t matter.
At first, I performed the classics! Why wouldn’t I? It had been years since I’d taken on the pinball variations of The Twilight Zone or Star Trek. And since I owned these tables, I may actually dive in and determine them out! I used to be going to get good on the classics! Oh, I sucked at first! Real unhealthy! But then I had one of the very best video games of Star Trek: The Next Generation I’ve ever had! And, of us! Look at the place I ranked with 110,214,170 factors!
Ten thousand, 4 hundred thirty seventh on the planet! Why, that’s not too unhealthy! It’s not good! But it’s not too unhealthy! And undoubtedly a rating you possibly can clearly inform I didn’t obtain again. But at the least I’m inside a stadium-sized-audience of being the very best on the planet, proper? Right? Dear God, that was the very best I may do and I wasn’t even approaching greatness. I didn’t suppose I’d – nevertheless it’s nonetheless a hell of a factor to do your greatest and discover out that just about each different sentient human being is best than you.
So I performed a few different tables. All enjoyable! Wee!
Finally – I imply, actually lastly of the 24 tables I purchased – I performed Charlie Brown Christmas Pinball. And after my first game, I positioned within the 500s. Let me repeat that: In my very first game, I ranked among the many high 600 people to have ever touched Charlie Brown Christmas Pinball. I may’ve deleted the game from my Steam library and nonetheless identified ceaselessly that I used to be one of the very best avid gamers on Earth on one particular digital pinball desk. I’ve by no means been within the high 600 of something different than suspects.
Which made me suppose: If no person was taking part in this desk aside from me and different weirdo psychopaths like me, then possibly – simply possibly – I may turn into the highest gamer in your entire world at Charlie Brown Christmas Pinball. For the primary time in my whole life, I could possibly be the very best at one thing that didn’t contain crying within the bathe or regretting a long, emotional electronic mail. I may do that! It additionally helped that I had a very long airplane experience forward to go to a sick relative.
Now, you is perhaps questioning, “Is Charlie Brown Christmas Pinball a good game?” That doesn’t matter. It’s positive. It’s a video game pinball desk for kids primarily based on a 75-year-old sketch’s Christmas particular. It’s precisely what you’d count on. Have you performed pinball? Have you seen Charlie Brown Christmas? That’s all you need to know. Honestly, when you’ve even carried out simply one of these two issues, that’s all you need to know.
The excellent news is, Charlie Brown Christmas Pinball is a fairly easy desk in comparison with a lot of the Pinball FX choices. There aren’t many hidden lanes or tricks, so determining one of the best ways to rack up factors isn’t too onerous. Actually doing it’s a problem! But you study fairly early to only bust up Lucy’s psychiatry sales space till you handle to get multiball. Which I used to my benefit. Suddenly, I used to be within the 400s. And then the 300s.
Although “suddenly” is perhaps a misnomer as a result of it took me hours to crawl up this checklist little by little. Which is the best way it ought to be. But it’s most likely unhealthy that I’ve put more time into Charlie Brown Christmas Pinball than Helldivers 2. Then again, none of my mates have handled me like a dick for by accident calling in an air strike on Charlie Brown Christmas Pinball. They sure have for Helldivers 2, although!
The draw back of the simplicity of the desk is that you simply hear the identical sound results over. And over. And over. Every rattling game I’ve to listen to that Charlie Brown likes Christmas, however he’s depressed. And a baby shouting “shoot the director hole” by no means stops being bizarre. Not to say the Charlie Brown theme music which – as you would possibly count on – will get previous after the fifth or sixth hour of play. By the time I lastly reached the 200s within the rating, I’d scream the sound bites back on the game as they occurred.
For a transient second, the 200s have been my ceiling. I couldn’t fairly crack it, whereas the game’s repetition was beginning to crack me. I own a good pc and a Steam Deck and I nonetheless haven’t completed principally each good game that’s come out this yr. But I wished it. I wished to know that I may get into the 100s. The scores above mine weren’t too high. The relative who I used to be visiting requested me what I used to be taking part in and I screamed “NOTHING” like I used to be watching porn. That’s how embarrassed I used to be.
But I acquired there. 153. The 153rd greatest participant on the planet isn’t unhealthy. Lots of people could be proud of that rating if this have been Street Fighter or Mortal Kombat or FIFA or Call of Duty or Overwatch 2 or actually some other video game outdoors of that Fresh Prince zombie game all of us simply discovered existed. Honestly, that’s most likely the one different game I could possibly be the 153rd greatest at. Don’t tempt me.
I didn’t stop. I couldn’t stop. Once I’d hit the 100s, I wished to limbo beneath that bar, too. I wished to be within the high 100 gamers of one thing. Anything. So I spent hours – whereas staying in a location far more sunny and enjoyable than the place I often dwell – taking part in spherical after spherical of this cursed game. Children screaming at me to hit the left loop, the proper loop, the left middle loop, the mailbox, every thing. The music looping and looping and looping. Someone requested if I used to be watching Christmas motion pictures and I put on headphones and locked the door to the toilet.
And I lastly did it. I cracked the highest 100. I went full Tommy and crushed the desk as onerous as I’ve ever crushed it. My response instances heightened. My thoughts was like Scarlett Johannson’s in Lucy. “To knowledge.” And then like a full dork, I noticed how nicely I used to be doing and immediately my fingers become plastic oven mitts that couldn’t hit the proper buttons.
And so I ended up at 51st. Hell yeah.
At that time, I needed to stop. Not simply because I had reached a goal I didn’t suppose I’d attain, but in addition as a result of I checked the highest of the checklist and the scores began to get insane. It seems I wasn’t the primary particular person to comprehend that you may dominate a leaderboard if no person else gave a crap. Except these people within the high ten clearly very a lot cared and labored very, very onerous for his or her tons of of hundreds of thousands of factors.
Unfortunately, I couldn’t go on ceaselessly. Dragon’s Dogma 2 was popping out and I couldn’t bear listening to Charlie Brown put down Pig-Pen one more rattling time with out throwing my Steam Deck at a passing automotive. The game had gotten beneath my pores and skin. First in that basic “Just One More Turn” method after which, later, in that basic “I Need To Stop Before Something Bad Happens Because I Am Losing My Damn Mind.”
Since then, I haven’t risen a lot larger. And I do respect that even my place on the checklist is so very simple to beat. I promise that if any of you studying this put quarter-hour into Charlie Brown Christmas Pinball, you may beat me like a dad holding a sock stuffed with oranges. But between hand tremors and by no means wanting to consider Snoopy ever again, my rank might be going to remain the place it’s till another person does barely higher.
That stated, I virtually did it. I could not have been the very best on the planet. I could not have even been within the high ten. But of the billions of human beings on this stunning, fragile planet, I used to be the 51st greatest at losing my time on what I’m sure is the least-played pinball desk ever put on a pc display screen. I used to be the 51st greatest that ever was. In actually some other video game I rank between “garbage” and “Emil Cioran’s ability to feel joy.” But right here? Only 50 different people have put up higher numbers in Charlie Brown Christmas Pinball.
And god bless them, as a result of I assume it’s pushed them insane. There’s a purpose the band Queen pluralized the time period, as a result of we really are the champions.
Mike Drucker is an Emmy-nominated author and almost-world champion pinball participant. Follow him on X.